Is your partner emotionally bankrupt?

Relationships & Couples Therapist

On the surface, couples typically fight over money, kids, work and in-laws, but under it all is the failure to connect emotionally.

According to relationship expert, Dr John Gottman, each partner in a relationship has an “Emotional Bank Account” that needs to be filled to maintain positive emotional balance in the relationship. This is done by responding positively to your partner’s daily attempts (which Gottman refers to as “Bids of Connection”) to connect with you emotionally.

If you choose to ignore or negatively snap back at your partner then you are withdrawing from his Emotional Bank Account. If you respond positively, then you are making deposits into his emotional love account. The more deposits partners make in each other’s emotional bank account, the more it will grow, leading to a stronger and healthier emotional bond and relationship.

Replenishing your partner’s emotional bank account

Being mindful

Pay attention to when your partner is seeking your attention, affection and support even if it is in very small ways. We often miss those minor bids because we are distracted and not paying attention (distracted by our phones, television, laptops) so minimise using them when you spend time with your partner.

Acknowledging your influence on how your partner feels about you and your relationship

When your partner feels that you are responding to his bids then he will feel accepted and loved, and his feelings towards you and towards the relationship will be positive and loving. On the other hand, if he feels more times rejected than accepted, his feelings towards you and the relationship will gravitate towards the negative.

Expressing 

appreciation often

Express appreciation when your partner responds to your bids for his attention, affection and support. This will reinforce his or her behaviour and encourage them to keep responding.

Making your partner feel heard and understood

When your partner has a complaint, listen to them and convey understanding instead of ignoring them or becoming defensive. Likewise, respond with interest and excitement when they share happy and exciting news. We all long to be heard and understood.

Not letting external stress affect your relationship

External stress from work and life in general can easily spill over and wreak havoc on your relationship. Try having a daily “stress reducing conversation” with your partner at the end of each day where each of you spends about ten minutes talking about whatever daily stress you are facing that is not caused or related to your partner.

When your partner is telling you about his or her stressors:

• Listen attentively and maintain eye contact

• Validate your partner by showing understanding and empathy even if you disagree with the way your partner is dealing with his or her issues

• Only give advice when asked

• Side with your partner or at least be neutral

Remember, this is just a way of letting your partner let off steam as well as serving as a window into each other’s world. So when you feel your partner is cranky and inattentive that day, you do not automatically assume it is because he does not care about you — he might be preoccupied with other matters outside the relationship.

Reprinted with permission from Family Flavours magazine