Husbands, want a better marriage?

By Mariam Hakim

Relationships and Couples Therapist

Men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce, according to psychological researcher Dr John Gottman, who’s done extensive work over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability.

What is accepting your partner’s influence?

• Accepting, understanding, and taking your partner’s perspective, feelings and needs into consideration before making any decision in the relationship

• Listening to your partner and forging compromises so that both of you feel satisfied in the relationship

• Working towards a win-win outcome instead of one partner losing and the other partner winning

Is this crucial skill only important for men to have? 

Of course often the opposite is true — where women tend not to let their husbands influence them and this is equally detrimental to the success of their relationship. 

But researchers note that women tend to accept their husband’s influence instinctively while men don’t, particularly if they were brought up in a patriarchal society (like here in Jordan). 

This is not to belittle or insult men by suggesting that they have a personality or cognitive shortcoming, but to make them aware of some tendencies that may be beneficial in other areas of their life but detrimental to the success of their relationships.

How can men work on this? 

Developing emotional intelligence: an emotionally intelligent husband is interested in his partner’s emotions because he respects her and cares about her feelings while not fearing a loss of power in the relationship. 

Her opinion and feelings are as important and valid as his. When men tune into their wives and show an interest in their inner world (feelings, perspectives, ideas, beliefs), which communicates interest and respect to her, they will experience increased happiness, passion and overall satisfaction in the relationship and in their sex life.

Cultivating the skill of paying attention to your partner: work on the following essential relationship components: 

•Building love maps: regularly sitting down with your spouse and finding out what’s going on in her inner and outer world

• Expressing fondness and admiration: cultivating a habit of paying attention to the positive things that your spouse does and communicating your fondness and admiration to her by giving her a compliment or simply showing appreciation for who she is as a person

• Accepting bids of connection: many times during the day, your wife will try to get your attention by either making a comment or directly asking a question; try to respond positively instead of ignoring her or snapping back. This will cultivate a sense of emotional closeness and intimacy in your relationship which is an essential part of any successful marriage

Remember, all of the above applies to how women should treat their husbands as well!

Reprinted with permission from Family Flavours magazine